“Hallelujah my world is caving in”1
I sit in classrooms waiting for my soul to be affirmed
To finally feel like I belong within these walls
But instead I feel dejected
Cast out, set aside, and pushed away
with the warm welcome and kindness of professors
with the avoidance of topics that would be “too controversial” to talk about
But if merely speaking these things would cause too much of a stir
How am I supposed to feel like my existence
My words
My body
My call
My faith
My love
Are any more invited into the holiness
“Hallelujah my world is caving in”1
Constant unrecognition of me
Of my community
Of my friends
Slowly and silently presses me down
Belittling my pain
My suffering
My trauma
The same trauma that brought me to this place
The same trauma that I wish to ameliorate
A song last week struck me with the words
“The trees withstand the storms but don’t assume they wouldn’t like to fall”2
It plunged deep into my soul because I realized I am this tree
I am this tree and I want to fall
But if I do fall
I fear that nobody would understand
Because as the old adage say
If a tree falls within the woods
And no one is there to hear it
Did it really even fall?
Will anyone be there to hear me fall?
Will anyone be around to help?
Will I be able to stand upright ever again?
Will I ever truly heal from the injury of my toppling over?
[1] Semler, Hallelujah (In Your Arms)
[2] Ritt Momney, Pollution/Disclaimer
Yet Alive 